Over a year ago...

... I settled on a plan to start my life. There has'nt been a single day during my NS years that I've been looking forward to my bright future. When the day finally came, I was overwhelmed with happiness and sped on with my plans.


Then


Grey skies formed. Gradually, darker. I told myself its now or never. No point turning back on what's going to be a tumultuous year for me. As I sailed through, the storm grew with every distance. I was doing my best not to let it fly apart. Keeping it together, I just had to make it.

As time passes by, the storm tried to tear everything apart. Cracks were forming. I was on the edge of drowning and sinking into the depths.


Never.


Does'nt matter how the storm rages, I keep on pulling myself not to give it up despite the odds.


Yet, in the midst of it all, There's beacons of light streaming through the dark clouds. A reminder that there's light at the end of the tunnel. In this case, it shines the way to the other side, while the storm still rages on all sides.


Now that I've weathered the odds, Bruised n battered by the torrent, I have reached the other side of the journey. The destination is within reach from where I am.


I will get there.

Question...

Its been on my head since last week but keep forgetting about it.

EXACTLY HOW IMPORTANT AM I TO MY FRIENDS?

I'M HAPPY FOR OTHERS

But I can't be happy for myself.

Am doing my best not to feel too unhappy about all this. Im not doing enough. To help myself.

The more I SEE, the more the wounds and tha pain will settle in.

Seriously.

How can I turn my back? Ive moved on. Into unhappiness.

Been keeping myself distracted, but it still doesnt work.

I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't lie that I am or will be smiling.

I can't.

What My Heart tells me...

Uneasy.Insecure.Lonliness.

This is what we've been going through. Everytime you seem to find happiness, it just flies away. leaving you grounded. You keep telling yourself "Its ok" when its not. When everyone's gone, Im the only one you have, apart from god.

If I could apparate myself into a living copy, and to see what you're going through with my own eyes, I'd be the one standing by beside you. I'd be tearing also to feel all these experiences. Thank god Im within you. We can only rely on each other.. Till the day comes.

Everyday, you ask yourself if you ever going to change, because you see change everywhere. And its rapidly increasing. You go to school, for a second chance at a lost oppotunity, but your plans which you shared wholeheartedly with me, now seems to crack into pieces. I know you're doing everything you can NOT to let it shatter. Then you go back to work. To earn personal income because you don't want mama n papa to give money everytime you need something. I feel the pain and the thought whenever that sum lands in your hands. Still, you are in school and this job isnt really stable. I understand your doubts about joining the force. You wanted to prove to everyone else you can be better than who you are because you wanted to undo the damage the past has caused to us.

Coming to relationships. Yes, your friends, circle and even flesh n blood are already committed into a relationship one way or another. Yes, they keep telling you to be patient or 'its not the time' yet when we know it is the time if not the beginning. We wanted a second chance, but it seems like its not coming anytime soon. There is jealousy at times. But we can't dwell on that.

Other people can't feel our pain, our sadness our times of content or happiness. Yes, they can offer their empathy but we have to heal the injuries ourselves.

No matter, I'm ALWAYS here.

NOW...

I am smiling on the outside. Deep inside, am harbouring the sadness. Just when I thought I've moved on, the past came back to me. Am being haunted by the thoughts. I just don't understand...

Why now?

I thought its over and done with, you didnt want me to wait.

I see the both of you, thinking its fate.

Now I asked myself:"Am I still...?"

Tell me... What can I do now?

Tell me while Im still here...

Still Breathing...

Thursday.

Am gg through the second week of my job. In light of my previous retrechment, I was desperate to find another job. A near futile attempt if I didn't push on. Since last Tuesday, its been: School>Work>Home>School>Work>Home. The hours can be taxing whenever there's late flights. A problem which I'm working on now.


Am really lonely... yes, my friends are here for me but they can't be with me all the time... everywhere I turn, most of my circle are now settling down... cuma tinggal aku aje with some others out there... tu pon tak tau ape cerita dengan dorg...

again..

Time and again I just hate myself for the things I've done. One way or another some people are bound to get hurt. am really not ok.

2PM...

Now at Changi Airport. Working. Something to take my mind off certain things. Got my old job back but with a different company. Pretty relaxed, not as hectic as the previous one. Still, I have no regrets making the decision to come back here. Daily income's been bad. Had to juggle school and work at the same time.

I'm still...

Reeling over from the aftermath. Am still in pain from the emotional scars. It just wont seem to heal itself. Have come to the point where I have to be fragile to practically everything. Really can't help it. Am afraid of repeating the same mistakes. Unforeseen mistakes.

Patching up..

Am shattered once again... now in recovery process... dunno how long this goes...

I.HATE.MYSELF.

I.HATE.IT.I.HATE.IT.

REALLY.REALLY.REALLY.REALLY.HATE.MYSELF.

AM BLAMING MYSELF FOR CAUSING TOO MUCH DAMAGE WITHOUT REALIZING

I.REALLY.HATE.MYSELF.

The straight road keeps changing

recently I had the intention to leave school, find a stable job and move on with life. If I were to tell you what my exact plans are (of which some has oredi known) you would most likely to say either "That's what you should be doing now!!" or " Go ahead, no one's stopping you. Its a good decision anyway" OR "Why are you wasting time??"

All this was going to be decided by me. I shall not arrow to anyone else. Go ahead, call me selfish.

Till my parents came in n tell me to think things over and reconsider on my intentions before being put into action. Then they second guessed me. Finally they told me to abandon the idea for it might jeopardise my future. Even my lecturers at school backed them up and even persuaded me to stay on with school. Only god knows how my anger level keeps shooting beyond limit.

A better future to re-do my ITE again, diff course this time OR working to sustain and save up for my pte diploma, just like my intial intentions.

I have no choice but to go through ITE again. What I thought was a blessing (and I pray it still does) turns out to be something else which I overlooked.

HAHAHA heh.

This week, school was as average. But not for long. Soon, more and more activities will pop out soon.

This morning's telematch was like any other. Typical games + Hyperactive students = pandemonium in da sports hall...

Then again, our Business school won the overall telematch. BUSINESS!!!, BUSINESS!!!! 8D

kecoh siol.

Lifes' Reset Button

How often do we get second chances in our lives? And when that time comes, will be for better or for worse?

Tuesday morning. April 14 2009 at 10:30 am.


That morning is the morning I'll never erase from my memories. The call from ITE Simei asking me if Im still interested in that Logistics Management Course which was supposedly an "unsucessful application". I really thought ITE did'nt give second chances to ex-students this time.

But someones' prayers or maybe even mine was heard. This was the blessing. The second chance. Life's reset button.

The rest of the day was unlike any other. I even pinched myself to make sure this isn't a dream Im living in.

I'll get it right this time.

No stopping me now

Its confirmed. The plans are going as planned. Its all or nothing from now on.

The sweet smell of freedom

Its official. ORD OH!!! (*grinz* like nobody's business)

I am free from the chains of the boy to manhood ritual called National Service. Two years. TWO YEARS of:

1) Making friends
2) Losing friends
3) Gaining experience
4) Gain knowledge
5) Gain the things that you don't wanna know but WTH
6) most important thing, MEMORIES.

The top six on my list of "Post NS stuff"

NOW

Moving on with life, goes on as usual. Every Tom and Jerry, oopz.. or rather, Tom, Dick and Harry (*hint2*... ) would agree to this. Going back to my old job. Company's not very stable at the moment coz of e economic downturn. I feel it won't be long before I got kicked out. At the same I also got another job offer. Lets see how this one turns out.

I've been haunting suntec for three days in a row. IT Show going on. A Singaporeans' craze for discounts and cheap offers on IT stuff. This year im surveying on notebooks. Been eyeing on that DELL Studio 15 for the last two days. With the crowds and suntec convention centre turning into a madhouse this afternoon, looks like I gotta wait for the next COMEX or IT Show... :(

I AM GOING TO ORD...

...yet I am having difficulty looking forward to it. Its this feeling of 'attachment' you have with your best friends you've worked with for over a year. How we went through the ups and downs of this NS life. And now the time has come for me to leave them. Not as how I envisioned. They're being hit with one disaster after the next and I can't do anything much to help them. And I don't think the idea of sigining on would make much difference.

Hafidz keeps telling me that they'll be fine, they'll be ok and they'll survive.

But Im not fine. Im not ok. And it hurts me to leave them in this state.

Even as im typing this im in tears. Sorry, I can't help myself.......

The more my ORD date looms closer, the more I feel for these guys. How I wish korang leh habis sama2 ngan aku skali.. Da tak usah fikiran pasal ni benda2 mengarut smua..

Six days

As of last Friday afternoon at 1305 pm, I'm officially on clearing my last days in SCDF. Im making use of the six days to better use.

Time and again, I've kept thinking on the pros and cons of signing on to the force. But my passion to join either the Airline industry or Nursing line keeps raining on my thoughts. I can see myself as the new face of the Airline company or the frontliner at the hospital.

For this following week, I am anxiously waiting for my poly admission results. A diploma can mean a big difference in my career. I wonder where will I end up. I've applied for ITE as well. so far, the results don't look promising, still I'll wait for it anyway.

Candidates...

Its been three years since I last been in a relationship, Which I thought would last.

And three years on today, I'm still looking for my very own Ms Right.

" I have not forgotten about you, the things we've done, or the words we've spoken to one another. I cannot get the thoughts out of my head ever since you came into my life three years ago. I feel that my life was complete. Until that one day I had to make the decision. The decision which left me in my current state. Now you belong to someone. Someone who loves and cares for you. Who takes you in for who you are. Whenever we cross paths I can't help but to pray that you'll be happy."

Moving on, I've recently set sights on certain eligible candidates. Its only a matter of time and god's blessings.

The Irony of patience

So much for my "Operation wipeout" for clearing. Just when you had those golden off days you work your ass off throughout he weekend, its now burnt down to a pile of ashes...

Looks like its back to camp EVERYDAY after detail from 2mrw onwards... I hate e feeling... mcm nk MC pon ade, paitao, cabot... hari2 goin back to that place of misery...

Another three damn weeks to go and only FOUR days to clear...

I can see the white ribbon...

... streaking across the horizon with the word "FINISH LINE" screaming on it.

Another two weeks to endure. All I need are my Blessings from Allah swt, family & members2 berjuanganku, my wits and patience.

Its finally time to have a DATE with the OPERATIONALLY READY.

Slapped with rejection...

... again. My life story. The so-called paradox which I cant seem to get out of. My application for ITE just dont work out well. I just dont understand what they're looking out for. Is it so hard to accept someone who has his interests in going back to his educational path to improve his life? I still have a couple more wating for the acceptance interview. So far its been too quiet for the last 4 weeks.

THIS NEW YEAR...

...started off with a series of unfortunate events. A minor accident, financial instablility and loss of valuables (in this case my wallet)...

Immortality

So This is who I am
And this is all I know
And I must choose to live,
For all that I can give,
The spark that makes the power grow.

And I will stand for my dream if I can,
Symbol of my faith in who I am,
But you are my only.

And I must follow on the road that lies ahead.
I won't let my heart control my head.
But you are my only.

We don't say goodbye
We don't say goodbye
And I know what I've got to be.

Immortality.
I make my journey through eternity.
I keep the memory of you and me inside.

Fulfil your destiny.
Is there within a child?
My storm will never end
My fate is on the wind
The king of hearts, The jokers' wild.

But we don't say goodbye.
We don't say goodbye.
I'll make them all remember me.

Cause I have found a dream that must come true.
Every ounce of me must see it through.
But you are my only.

Im sorry I don't have a role for love to play.
Hand over my heart, I'll find my way.
I will make them give to me.

Immortality.
There is a vision and a fire in me.
I'll keep the memory of you and me, inside.

We don't say goodbye.
We don't say goodbye.
With all my love for you
And what else we may do?

We don't say goodbye.

Unappreciated

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with the way I am, my personal lifestyle or my way with people. At times I feel like im not important or in this case, unappreciated. Only a handful can understand my position. Yes I feel inferior and less popular that some people who seems to have it all. Yet with what I have, its as if im becoming invisible. Is it just me? what have I done? why must there be humiliation just to get noticed?

A time to...

HEAL. Fear. HATE. LOVE. EnVy. CHeeR. CrY. LaUgH. Run. wait. Ponder.


wanna add to dat list?

Why?

Why Am I the victim? if not always?

Why Am I the laughing stock?

Why Am I being 'singled' out?

Why must I go through this again?

Why do I have intentional thoughts?

Why do I feel hurt at jokes towards me?

Of friends and Colleagues

You hate em' but you can't live w/o em. In every way they are in a part of your lives. In this case, mine. Through the years of socializing and meeting people, have somewhat evolved into this bond which I find it hard to separate myself from. Time and again they come and they go. And some of them left with an imprint of themselves upon me, a reminder not to forget them as time passes by, knowing that in time it will fade away.

Among these people, there are those "special" few where you see them as they are, value them for their existence, knowing that if you lose them, finding another will be near-impossible. As for me I've grown attached to them even to the extent of emotional attachment. For these lot, they're becoming part of my personal family. And I'll never abandon or sever ties with them.

Zero-Niner

In a blink of an eye, 2008 was over. Another year, with another god-knows-what will come by.

I pray that it'll all turn out better for everyone.