Temporary Displacement...

A year later, and I'm beginning to see vast changes. The last of us has ended his service. Everyone is trailing/paving the way for their respective futures..

This year is indeed challenging for us. We've somehow been displaced, engaged with our own activities. It feels different here. Now. Only photos, phone calls and visual online texts are the mainstream of communication. In person meet-ups have degraded since, though it happens only a handful of times.

Everyday I pray for everyones' safety. I really miss you guys so much.

My Heart is filled with _______

Well, I'll leave that to you after reading this...

I guess I should be counting my blessings, don't I? Be thankful and grateful for what I have. Ask too much and its greed. No, I can't force my way into this. That would be a violation.

So what can I do? Stand by and watch. I'll stand by to share the joy and painful times, or watch you grow along with the tears. I always asked myself "Why wasn't I given the opportunity?" whenever I see one, It just fades. So I gather myself. Keeping the Faith and Hoping that You'd somehow turn things around and give me another chance.

You also mentioned that you don't want to see me get hurt, should this happen. I love and care too much for you. Tough times don't last, but Tough people do. We forgive each other for our mistakes right? Ultimately, God himself will show forgiveness to those who forgive.

While you're away with that someone, even though you have a mind fixed, Remember this: The compassion will never fade. I am still here. Breathing.

I Love You.

The dream...

I still can't get over the nightmare I had over two weeks ago. The devastation of the recent Haitian earthquake and the similar dream I had... Keep on asking myself "Is all this connected?"

Over a year ago...

... I settled on a plan to start my life. There has'nt been a single day during my NS years that I've been looking forward to my bright future. When the day finally came, I was overwhelmed with happiness and sped on with my plans.


Then


Grey skies formed. Gradually, darker. I told myself its now or never. No point turning back on what's going to be a tumultuous year for me. As I sailed through, the storm grew with every distance. I was doing my best not to let it fly apart. Keeping it together, I just had to make it.

As time passes by, the storm tried to tear everything apart. Cracks were forming. I was on the edge of drowning and sinking into the depths.


Never.


Does'nt matter how the storm rages, I keep on pulling myself not to give it up despite the odds.


Yet, in the midst of it all, There's beacons of light streaming through the dark clouds. A reminder that there's light at the end of the tunnel. In this case, it shines the way to the other side, while the storm still rages on all sides.


Now that I've weathered the odds, Bruised n battered by the torrent, I have reached the other side of the journey. The destination is within reach from where I am.


I will get there.

Question...

Its been on my head since last week but keep forgetting about it.

EXACTLY HOW IMPORTANT AM I TO MY FRIENDS?

I'M HAPPY FOR OTHERS

But I can't be happy for myself.

Am doing my best not to feel too unhappy about all this. Im not doing enough. To help myself.

The more I SEE, the more the wounds and tha pain will settle in.

Seriously.

How can I turn my back? Ive moved on. Into unhappiness.

Been keeping myself distracted, but it still doesnt work.

I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't lie that I am or will be smiling.

I can't.

What My Heart tells me...

Uneasy.Insecure.Lonliness.

This is what we've been going through. Everytime you seem to find happiness, it just flies away. leaving you grounded. You keep telling yourself "Its ok" when its not. When everyone's gone, Im the only one you have, apart from god.

If I could apparate myself into a living copy, and to see what you're going through with my own eyes, I'd be the one standing by beside you. I'd be tearing also to feel all these experiences. Thank god Im within you. We can only rely on each other.. Till the day comes.

Everyday, you ask yourself if you ever going to change, because you see change everywhere. And its rapidly increasing. You go to school, for a second chance at a lost oppotunity, but your plans which you shared wholeheartedly with me, now seems to crack into pieces. I know you're doing everything you can NOT to let it shatter. Then you go back to work. To earn personal income because you don't want mama n papa to give money everytime you need something. I feel the pain and the thought whenever that sum lands in your hands. Still, you are in school and this job isnt really stable. I understand your doubts about joining the force. You wanted to prove to everyone else you can be better than who you are because you wanted to undo the damage the past has caused to us.

Coming to relationships. Yes, your friends, circle and even flesh n blood are already committed into a relationship one way or another. Yes, they keep telling you to be patient or 'its not the time' yet when we know it is the time if not the beginning. We wanted a second chance, but it seems like its not coming anytime soon. There is jealousy at times. But we can't dwell on that.

Other people can't feel our pain, our sadness our times of content or happiness. Yes, they can offer their empathy but we have to heal the injuries ourselves.

No matter, I'm ALWAYS here.

NOW...

I am smiling on the outside. Deep inside, am harbouring the sadness. Just when I thought I've moved on, the past came back to me. Am being haunted by the thoughts. I just don't understand...

Why now?

I thought its over and done with, you didnt want me to wait.

I see the both of you, thinking its fate.

Now I asked myself:"Am I still...?"

Tell me... What can I do now?

Tell me while Im still here...

Still Breathing...

Thursday.

Am gg through the second week of my job. In light of my previous retrechment, I was desperate to find another job. A near futile attempt if I didn't push on. Since last Tuesday, its been: School>Work>Home>School>Work>Home. The hours can be taxing whenever there's late flights. A problem which I'm working on now.


Am really lonely... yes, my friends are here for me but they can't be with me all the time... everywhere I turn, most of my circle are now settling down... cuma tinggal aku aje with some others out there... tu pon tak tau ape cerita dengan dorg...

again..

Time and again I just hate myself for the things I've done. One way or another some people are bound to get hurt. am really not ok.

2PM...

Now at Changi Airport. Working. Something to take my mind off certain things. Got my old job back but with a different company. Pretty relaxed, not as hectic as the previous one. Still, I have no regrets making the decision to come back here. Daily income's been bad. Had to juggle school and work at the same time.

I'm still...

Reeling over from the aftermath. Am still in pain from the emotional scars. It just wont seem to heal itself. Have come to the point where I have to be fragile to practically everything. Really can't help it. Am afraid of repeating the same mistakes. Unforeseen mistakes.

Patching up..

Am shattered once again... now in recovery process... dunno how long this goes...

I.HATE.MYSELF.

I.HATE.IT.I.HATE.IT.

REALLY.REALLY.REALLY.REALLY.HATE.MYSELF.

AM BLAMING MYSELF FOR CAUSING TOO MUCH DAMAGE WITHOUT REALIZING

I.REALLY.HATE.MYSELF.

The straight road keeps changing

recently I had the intention to leave school, find a stable job and move on with life. If I were to tell you what my exact plans are (of which some has oredi known) you would most likely to say either "That's what you should be doing now!!" or " Go ahead, no one's stopping you. Its a good decision anyway" OR "Why are you wasting time??"

All this was going to be decided by me. I shall not arrow to anyone else. Go ahead, call me selfish.

Till my parents came in n tell me to think things over and reconsider on my intentions before being put into action. Then they second guessed me. Finally they told me to abandon the idea for it might jeopardise my future. Even my lecturers at school backed them up and even persuaded me to stay on with school. Only god knows how my anger level keeps shooting beyond limit.

A better future to re-do my ITE again, diff course this time OR working to sustain and save up for my pte diploma, just like my intial intentions.

I have no choice but to go through ITE again. What I thought was a blessing (and I pray it still does) turns out to be something else which I overlooked.

HAHAHA heh.

This week, school was as average. But not for long. Soon, more and more activities will pop out soon.

This morning's telematch was like any other. Typical games + Hyperactive students = pandemonium in da sports hall...

Then again, our Business school won the overall telematch. BUSINESS!!!, BUSINESS!!!! 8D

kecoh siol.

Lifes' Reset Button

How often do we get second chances in our lives? And when that time comes, will be for better or for worse?

Tuesday morning. April 14 2009 at 10:30 am.


That morning is the morning I'll never erase from my memories. The call from ITE Simei asking me if Im still interested in that Logistics Management Course which was supposedly an "unsucessful application". I really thought ITE did'nt give second chances to ex-students this time.

But someones' prayers or maybe even mine was heard. This was the blessing. The second chance. Life's reset button.

The rest of the day was unlike any other. I even pinched myself to make sure this isn't a dream Im living in.

I'll get it right this time.

No stopping me now

Its confirmed. The plans are going as planned. Its all or nothing from now on.

The sweet smell of freedom

Its official. ORD OH!!! (*grinz* like nobody's business)

I am free from the chains of the boy to manhood ritual called National Service. Two years. TWO YEARS of:

1) Making friends
2) Losing friends
3) Gaining experience
4) Gain knowledge
5) Gain the things that you don't wanna know but WTH
6) most important thing, MEMORIES.

The top six on my list of "Post NS stuff"

NOW

Moving on with life, goes on as usual. Every Tom and Jerry, oopz.. or rather, Tom, Dick and Harry (*hint2*... ) would agree to this. Going back to my old job. Company's not very stable at the moment coz of e economic downturn. I feel it won't be long before I got kicked out. At the same I also got another job offer. Lets see how this one turns out.

I've been haunting suntec for three days in a row. IT Show going on. A Singaporeans' craze for discounts and cheap offers on IT stuff. This year im surveying on notebooks. Been eyeing on that DELL Studio 15 for the last two days. With the crowds and suntec convention centre turning into a madhouse this afternoon, looks like I gotta wait for the next COMEX or IT Show... :(

I AM GOING TO ORD...

...yet I am having difficulty looking forward to it. Its this feeling of 'attachment' you have with your best friends you've worked with for over a year. How we went through the ups and downs of this NS life. And now the time has come for me to leave them. Not as how I envisioned. They're being hit with one disaster after the next and I can't do anything much to help them. And I don't think the idea of sigining on would make much difference.

Hafidz keeps telling me that they'll be fine, they'll be ok and they'll survive.

But Im not fine. Im not ok. And it hurts me to leave them in this state.

Even as im typing this im in tears. Sorry, I can't help myself.......

The more my ORD date looms closer, the more I feel for these guys. How I wish korang leh habis sama2 ngan aku skali.. Da tak usah fikiran pasal ni benda2 mengarut smua..